“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
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Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
my lower back watching me try to live my life
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
New favorite tiktok
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
A classic…
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
can’t catch a break
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.