*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
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This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
there’s probably a fee though
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard