A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
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ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
Not today. 😅
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move