I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
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If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle