If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
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My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.