I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
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Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
just leave it at the foot of the bed
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO