ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
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13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs