Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
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Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.