[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
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You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
Woke up against my better judgment again
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
I forgot how to panic. Help
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first