Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
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Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
Raisins are grape jerky.
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski