[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
You Might Also Like
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Not all heroes wear capes….
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of