Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
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When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.