Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
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The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
Bill is short for Billiam
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?