Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
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At Walmart during the holidays like..
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.