Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
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dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”