me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
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Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?