the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
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A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers