gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
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My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial