“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
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I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
Okay, I’m still confused…
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.