I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
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I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!