daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
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Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
it must be school picture day
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.