It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
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Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo