My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
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If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
It鈥檚 mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it鈥檚 not poisoned.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i鈥檓 the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don鈥檛 know how to use really good kitchen knives.
I will have a pi帽ata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 馃ぃ馃槀
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you鈥檙e probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
Baller is short for ballerina
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you鈥檙e saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..