Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
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[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.