Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
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My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
❤️❤️❤️
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.