I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
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I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
There’s always that one guy
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
is this how new cars are made??
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
taking June’s advice to heart
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.