me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
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Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
Sorry not sorry.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.