PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
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CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.