I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
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The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
Good advice.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.