My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
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Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
fourth time’s the charm
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
What if all the cashiers are married?
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
My kitchen overserved me.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married