How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
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I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
I’ve been learning to cook.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind