I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
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someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
*updates tinder bio*
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence