9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
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Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
Catering service
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted