ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
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If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
Great Canadian literature.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”