Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
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Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
Oops I deleted….
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*