If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
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He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Nose
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.