Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
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The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
who did the taste test?
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”