You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
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What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door