At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
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when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
The pen is writier than the sword.
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.