H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
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I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏