this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
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The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.