[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
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*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
Well, shit
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.