We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
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That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
FRED: right
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.