I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
You Might Also Like
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
💻🤡