Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
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I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
i’m laughing very hard in real life
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”