[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
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how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
Sometimes? I’m slipping
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good