The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
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Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here