*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
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Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
guys i’ve cracked the code
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢