If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
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*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.