[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
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If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra